Sinister Entertainment

As most people these days are aware, reality shows have quickly taken a turn for the worst (as I, personally, expected them to). Either the plot for a show is simply too ridiculous to work, or it copies (usually not very successfully) off another show and plays out a potentially entertaining idea.
So where is this genre of television going? Some say down the tubes. Others argue better ideas will emerge with time. I believe that if it follows in the patterns of contemporary American entertainment, we'll eventually be watching Celebrity Death Match - LIVE.


Do we all remember that show? MTV aired it starting somewhere in 1998 and though it didn't break any long-running television show records, most people remember it because of it's hysterical (and often, accurate) claymation mockeries of celebrities fighting eachother to their slimy, clay-splattering deaths.
If I had any part in a live resurrection of this long-lost slot of television hilarity, I'd make a few interesting changes ...

Hosted by: Ashton Kutcher and Bam Margera. Why? As I mentioned in an earlier entry, Ashton Kutcher is flipping obnoxious. He'd probably have a lot of fun guiding viewers along this show. Bam Margera is used to violence...he'd probably be down in the ring half the time.
Remember the little blonde correspondant that interviewed celebrities before the matches? That would be Bam's mother, April. Because everyone in America, via "Jackass" and "Viva La Bam", has grown to love her calm, well-meaning demeanor ... right before she screams her head off (but won't say fuck!) at Bam's violent and often messy exploitations of her patience.

Matches I'd love to see:

• Yoko Ono v.s. Sir Paul McCartney ~ who gets the Beatles' fortunes?!?! Let them fight it to the death! Heather Mills McCartney, Paul's estranged ex, could make a guest appearance if he starts to win the match and bludgeon him with her prosthetic leg.
  
• Kevin "K-Fed" Federline v.s. Eminem ~ the ultimate battle of the annoying white rappers. *breaking news: as of this evening, Britney has announced her plans to divorce Kevin (finally?!) so maybe she could make a guest appearance and sing (or even talk) him to death, should Eminem begin to lose.
  
• Jay-Z v.s. Michael Jordan ~ who's the king of coming back from retirement? My bets are on Jay ... unless Michael breaks out the baseball bat. The Loony Toons won't save you this time, Mike.
  
• Paris Hilton v.s. Lindsay Lohan ~ because every guy 16 and older wants to see it happen anyway. Might as well get rid of one of them. Will Paris break Lindsay with her diamond-studded sidekick?
  
• Ashton Kutcher v.s. Wilmer Valderamma ~ assuming Ashton decides not to host the show, this would be a great matchup. Both were prominent characters on "That 70's Show" who now have their own shows on MTV (Punk'd and Yo Momma, respectively). So who's the funnier alumni? And who's going to wash up? I'm leaning towards Ashton; not that I'm a fan, but anyone who manages to make money hosting a show about yo momma jokes is working on bought time to begin with.
  
• Carrie Underwood v.s. Kelly Clarkson ~ despite the nay-sayers, both American Idol winners have proven themselves ... Carrie recently won two CMA's and Kelly nabbed two Grammy's earlier this year. So who's gonna be the more successful AI alumni??
  
• Mary-Kate v.s. Ashley Olsen ~ two of America's sweethearts, do we really want to see either die? Well, maybe some of you do. I don't. I say, let them fight, but not to the death. If Ashley wins, Mary-Kate has to re-enter rehab ... her weight has recently plummeting, sparking speculation whether her eating disorder has returned. If the ever-frail Mary-Kate wins, Ashley has to handle the next 'Full House' reunion.
  
• Clay Aiken v.s. Simon Cowell ~ because Simon's been waiting to shut Clay up for some time now, and given the opportunity most of America would back him in a heartbeat. Seriously, he's creepy looking enough as it is. Clay, you look like an emaciated cat. And his hit song? "If I was invisible, I would watch you in your room..." UM CREEPY?! Clay's gotta go.
  
• NY Yankees v.s. NY Mets ~ this could be an hour or two hour long special. Each team sends one player at a time to fight. The winner of each match gets put off to the side and the next match begins. At the end, the survivors join forces to make the ultimate NY baseball team. Why? Because the more obnoxious the Yankees' fans get, the more obvious it's become that there really isn't enough room in NY for these two teams and their fans.