Baba Wawa and Der Fuhrer

There are very few real journalists on television. Our airwaves are filled with babblers who ask meaningless questions that don't bring any depth to a story's coverage. One person in particuliar has stood shoulders above the crowd in her pursuit of irrelevancy, Barbara Walters. Her questions over the last 30 years have garnered responses as varied as "Uh huh" and "Unh Uh". Somehow we are supposed to assume a depth of content when its a world leader giving these guttural responses. The truth of the matter is that if any journalism student ever attempted to submit an interview like one of hers they would (at worst) be forced to change their major or (at best) have to redo their work endlessly to get a passing grade.

I've often wondered if ABC gets a tax write off for their hiring a mentally challenged reporter to do interviews.

Back on November 14, 2001 She made an appearance on Larry King Live. This was an appearance with the one person in the world that might possibly be a worse interviewer then her. But in the course of the interview King asks an interesting question. The transcript is below:


KING: Would you have interviewed Hitler in 1939?

WALTERS: I would have shot him.

KING: But you might have interviewed him? Better we know than we don't know or we draw a line?
WALTERS: See, I don't want to read in tomorrow's paper, "Barbara Walters said, 'Yes, I would interview Hitler.'" So I think I will abstain, but you know what I would have said, you know.

KING: These are tough times.

WALTERS: These are tough questions.

And indeed those were tough questions. With that in mind I have made a list of the questions that Barbara Walters would have asked Hitler in 1939.

1. That mustache looks good on you.

This is a classic Walters interview starter. She will flatter the interviewee on some aspect of their appearance. I'm aware of the fact that technically this is not a question. Of course you need to remember that she is not technically a journalist.

2. Do you think your sexier than President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill?

This always comes out in her interviews with celebrities. She asks them a question about the person's appearance in relation to others in their field.

3. Where do you see the Master Race in the future?

She always like to have the interviewee speculate about the future, and the future of their cause. It smells like substance, and looks like substance but when you taste it you find out its just more fluff.

4. If you were a tree which tree would you be?

Everyone thinks this question was just made up and that she never really asked it. But indeed she did ask it of Katherine Hepburn. That was an interview that also included this classic:

Barbara Walters: So, Kate, do you even own a skirt?
Katharine Hepburn: I own one, Barbara. I shall wear it to your funeral.

5. Should I scrape the vaselline of the camera lens so we can go somewhere and do it?

When you watch her interview any male who's not a troll in appearance there is always a palpable sexual tension. This indeed would be the next logical step. Of course, once she caught syphillis from the Fuhrer she could find a new career doing lectures in high school gym classes all over the country. Perhaps in the end that would be a far better career path than the one she has chosen.

We here at Pop Clutter are guilty of the most enjoyable of the 7 deadly sins, Sloth. What makes sloth so great is that it requires absolutely no effort. It's as easy as taking a nap after an open faced turkey sandwich. Oddly enough, I have the feeling that its the triptophanes that are to blame for this turn of events.

Yes, we aren't above following the contemporary trend in blaming our wrongs on something totally outside of ourselves.

I promise that we will be back in due time. The Holidays, term papers and final exams won't get in the way of us skimming the cream off of the top of our brains.

See you all soon.

Modern Slavery

One of the biggest, most talked about trends in Hollywood today is the issue of celebrities adopting children from poor countries. Angelina Jolie is, of course, the poster mom for this - which you already know unless you live in a cave, in which case tell Osama some people are looking for him.

Why is this trend so controversial? Well, it's inevitable that people will question the genuine concern these celebrities have for the children they pluck from their homelands, and whether they're only doing it for publicity or not. I admit, at first Angelina annoyed the hell out of me because her adoption of little Maddox from Cambodia was on the cover of every tabloid in every store I went in. As time went on, I guess her little i'm-better-than-you-cause-i'm-gonna-save-the-world thing got on my nerves more - and who can be annoyed by Maddox's cool mohawk haircut and adorable clothes?? I moved on. Now Meg Ryan is also adopting, and I wish her luck with that. As long as these people are caring for these children and giving them a chance for a more normal, healthy life with parental figures as their caretakers instead of social workers in some slummy institution, I say it's not that bad of a trend.

HOWEVER, those of us who haven't been in that cave or under a rock have heard by now about the Madonna adoption. There's been some awful controversy surrounding this and most people I hear discussing it can't seem to pinpoint what's so different and wrong about it, than, say, Angelina's adoptions.

Let's take a look at the three main characters that were covered as soon as the story broke: Madonna (obviously), little David from Malawi, and David's father.

Yeah, I said father.

THIS KID IS NOT AN ORPHAN!

The controversy really started when David's father expressed his concerns and regrets about his son being taken to live in another country, which opened the floodgates of investigation into whether Madonna used her money and fame to speed up the adoption process and get past some policies and prerequisites.While David's father wanted a life for David that he could not provide him, he wanted to be sure David would be well taken care of. He didn't understand that Madonna was going to keep his son, either. Why should he have? After all, why would she try to adopt a child who already has parents?


i'll taaaake...that one!
Madonna, the self-proclaimed Material Girl, has money coming out of her ass, let's just face it. If she really cared about David, she could and hopefully would have donated money to David's family and hell, why not even his village? so that they could begin to live a better, healthier life. David HAS a family and just because his father can't afford to care for him the way she presumably can doesn't mean she has the right to buy him up. If you have any leftover reservations about Madonna's intentions, let's take a look at what she did as soon as David was in her custody:
she put him in the care of babysitters, I believe I read, because she was out of the country.

Sounds like she's real eager to get to know her new son. {/sarcasm}

Actually, it sounds like Madonna's about to get away with some modern-day slavery.

A word to the wise: Madonna, I know moving to England probably made your memory of US history a little fuzzy but try to remember - slavery was abolished in 1865. In case your math is fuzzy, too, that means slavery (and the buying and selling of humans) is soooo 141 years ago.

When I Was 5, It Was A Very Good Year

The world was so much nicer when I was 5. My days were filled with fingerpainting, naps and Mr. Rogers. My days are so much different now. I no longer have the time for fingerpainting. It's a shame though because I was the Jackson Pollock of the kindegarten set. Of course, when you think about it, weren't we all?

I wasn't an energetic or hyperactive kid. My brain produced its own generic version of Ritalin so there was no need to keep me medicated like the kids of today. All it took to keep me entertained was some good music. If someone put on a good album, I would keep on dancing until the music stopped (and I made sure it never did).

My taste hasn't changed much since that time. With that in mind let me share three of those tunes that kept me happy in the early 1980's.

1. Another One Bites The Dust - Queen

In my hometown there was a little greasy spoon that was noted for its Chili Dogs. There wasn't a week that my mom didn't walk me and my sister down to it to get a quick and cheap lunch. The dogs were great but what I remember more is the jukebox that was in the back. For a quarter you could pick a few tunes to play while you dined (and I use the term "dined" rather loosely). Anytime I had enough change to go back to it there was one tune that I always picked. It was "Another One Bites The Dust". There was just something about that funky bass line that grabbed my little ears everytime I heard it. I didn't know what the lyrics were about and I really didn't care. It just made me want to dance and dance I always did. Now 26 years later it still has the same effect on me. There aren't too many songs I can say that about.

2. The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

In the early 1980's Kenny Rogers was the epitome of country pop. It didn't matter what a station's format was they somehow found a way to fit him in. His presence was inescapable. There was one song in particuliar that rose head and shoulders above any of his other hits . That song being "The Gambler". I loved it. I couldn't get enough of it. My mom had a copy of it on some long since forgotten vinyl album. I would always take the album out and drop the needle right on the start of that track. I knew it was about some sort of card game. In my head I imagined the toughest game of "Old Maid" I had ever played. Yeah, I could definitely relate to what he was saying "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em". I was certain he had experienced that same frustration of never being able to get rid of that damn card.

3." I Love A Rainy Night" - The Chipmunks

This song is great. At the time I didn't know the Eddie Rabbit original. No, I was addicted to a cover version done by one of the greatest rodent singing groups of all time. I guess there was a fad at the time of city folk getting into country music. There was even a horrible John Travolta movie by the name of "Urban Cowboy" that fanned the flames of this phenomena even more. David Seville wasn't one to let a good thing pass him by so he let Alvin, Simon and Theodore out of their cages long enough to quickly record an album covering the country hits of the day. My favorite by far was their version of "I Love A Rainy Night". Any time the night air was damp I would play this song. Sometimes I would do it even when the air was dry.

Those were my favorites at 5, what were some of yours?

Road Sins

So on the way to school today, I passed a white Hummer H2 (as I pass pretty much every vehicle I possibly can between the time I get on and the time I get off the highway). On the back windshield was one of those baseball decals ... the kind that you stick on and it looks like someone threw it at your windshield and it got lodged there.
I guess some people think that looks cool. I simply shook my head. The H2 is the commercialization of a military vehicle. It's supposed to be more of a manly truck ... it's supposed to demand some respect on the road, I guess. How the driver of that H2 decided that little detail would get anybody taking their presence on the highway seriously, is beyond me.

Alas, that is only one example of several that occur every day as I drive back and forth between my school and my hometown...the instances where I cringe and/or shake my head at the things people do. You really can tell a lot about people from their cars and the way they drive....like how ridiculous they are. Allow me to rant ...

• Those cars with the extra-loud exhausts ... I really can't believe people still modify their cars to make all that racket. I know I sound like a grandmother saying that, but for real...it's so 2001 (i.e. when The Fast and the Furious first came out). Get over yourselves, people ... the world doesn't need to be reminded of your existance, let alone that violently.
  

• Whyyyyy do people who have really nice, shiny, seemingly brand-new cars cover them in cliche and unattractive bumper stickers?? I don't understand this phenomenon. Your car is beautiful ... those ugly bumper stickers are often permanent. Do you really want everyone driving behind you to know that you're "100% angel" for the next ten years (or however long the car lasts)? T-shirts that say stuff like that don't even sell in WalMart anymore, why does your brand new mustang have to say it?

• Ohhhh, spinner rims. Where to begin?? If you have a really nice car, maybe it'll look good. I won't say spinners never look good. But um ... if you can hear the screams of death coming from under your hood over your unneccessarily jacked-up stereo system (that probably drains your poor little 15-year old battery so bad you need a jump-start 3 outta 5 times you go somewhere), you should not have spinner rims on your car. You. Look. Ridiculous. Take. Them. Off. They'll be spinning long, long, long after your car is fossilized somewhere in a scrap-metal yard.

• I really hate people who don't pass 35mph going up a straight on-ramp and take around a mile or two just to accelerate to, oh, say, three miles below the legal speed limit. What are you so scared of? You have your own lane to fit in on the highway. I theorize that these people are from New Jersey...they don't know how to merge down there, either.
  

• In the last month, I kid you not, this has happened to me at least 5 or 6 times: I'm behind somebody, their blinker is on, I wait .... I wait...I stay further behind them than I could be, anticipating their turn. But they never turn. That blinker stays on for miles. Last week, I was behind a Maxima whose blinker stayed on for my whole 30 minute drive along route 208. I don't know exactly how many miles that is...but if it's a 30 minute drive, most of which is at a 55mph speed limit, let's say that blinker was on a while. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I guess it's because if you don't realize that the blinker you put on 50 miles ago is still on, you're not paying much attention to anything...and I don't want you anywhere near my new car, thankyouverymuch.

• Wings. We drive cars, right? Why do they need wings? Small wings are alright...my car has one. It could do without it, but it looks cute. Whatever. What I don't understand is why, oh, WHY some people that drive pretty small cars install HUGE wings on the back. What are they trying to prove?! You drive a Celica not a 747! Unless you plan to offer round-trip tickets to Orlando nix the flight gear. Save yourself some gas.

• Last but certainly not least, I really, really, really hate those blueish-white headlights. I call them dickhead-lights. Say it with me now...dick-head-lights. You know why? Cause people who purposely put them on their cars are dicks. They don't make cars look any better, especially cause you use them at night when you can hardly even see the damn car to begin with. They aren't any brighter than a set of normal, well-functioning headlights. But they do blind the shit out of anybody unfortunate enough to pass someone who has them. And by blind, I mean blind the shit out of to the point where you still aren't sure you're seeing clearly a mile later. I heard somewhere that they might make these lights illegal. I really hope it happens ... not because I'm a party pooper. But if they were illegalized I'd hang out whenever I got the chance anywhere in town that they do vehicle inspections so I could see these adolescent, self-involved fucks cry when their car fails and the only way to fix it is to reinstall normal headlights.
  

And that, ladies and gentleman, is my explanation of what I like to call Road Sins.

Sinister Entertainment

As most people these days are aware, reality shows have quickly taken a turn for the worst (as I, personally, expected them to). Either the plot for a show is simply too ridiculous to work, or it copies (usually not very successfully) off another show and plays out a potentially entertaining idea.
So where is this genre of television going? Some say down the tubes. Others argue better ideas will emerge with time. I believe that if it follows in the patterns of contemporary American entertainment, we'll eventually be watching Celebrity Death Match - LIVE.


Do we all remember that show? MTV aired it starting somewhere in 1998 and though it didn't break any long-running television show records, most people remember it because of it's hysterical (and often, accurate) claymation mockeries of celebrities fighting eachother to their slimy, clay-splattering deaths.
If I had any part in a live resurrection of this long-lost slot of television hilarity, I'd make a few interesting changes ...

Hosted by: Ashton Kutcher and Bam Margera. Why? As I mentioned in an earlier entry, Ashton Kutcher is flipping obnoxious. He'd probably have a lot of fun guiding viewers along this show. Bam Margera is used to violence...he'd probably be down in the ring half the time.
Remember the little blonde correspondant that interviewed celebrities before the matches? That would be Bam's mother, April. Because everyone in America, via "Jackass" and "Viva La Bam", has grown to love her calm, well-meaning demeanor ... right before she screams her head off (but won't say fuck!) at Bam's violent and often messy exploitations of her patience.

Matches I'd love to see:

• Yoko Ono v.s. Sir Paul McCartney ~ who gets the Beatles' fortunes?!?! Let them fight it to the death! Heather Mills McCartney, Paul's estranged ex, could make a guest appearance if he starts to win the match and bludgeon him with her prosthetic leg.
  
• Kevin "K-Fed" Federline v.s. Eminem ~ the ultimate battle of the annoying white rappers. *breaking news: as of this evening, Britney has announced her plans to divorce Kevin (finally?!) so maybe she could make a guest appearance and sing (or even talk) him to death, should Eminem begin to lose.
  
• Jay-Z v.s. Michael Jordan ~ who's the king of coming back from retirement? My bets are on Jay ... unless Michael breaks out the baseball bat. The Loony Toons won't save you this time, Mike.
  
• Paris Hilton v.s. Lindsay Lohan ~ because every guy 16 and older wants to see it happen anyway. Might as well get rid of one of them. Will Paris break Lindsay with her diamond-studded sidekick?
  
• Ashton Kutcher v.s. Wilmer Valderamma ~ assuming Ashton decides not to host the show, this would be a great matchup. Both were prominent characters on "That 70's Show" who now have their own shows on MTV (Punk'd and Yo Momma, respectively). So who's the funnier alumni? And who's going to wash up? I'm leaning towards Ashton; not that I'm a fan, but anyone who manages to make money hosting a show about yo momma jokes is working on bought time to begin with.
  
• Carrie Underwood v.s. Kelly Clarkson ~ despite the nay-sayers, both American Idol winners have proven themselves ... Carrie recently won two CMA's and Kelly nabbed two Grammy's earlier this year. So who's gonna be the more successful AI alumni??
  
• Mary-Kate v.s. Ashley Olsen ~ two of America's sweethearts, do we really want to see either die? Well, maybe some of you do. I don't. I say, let them fight, but not to the death. If Ashley wins, Mary-Kate has to re-enter rehab ... her weight has recently plummeting, sparking speculation whether her eating disorder has returned. If the ever-frail Mary-Kate wins, Ashley has to handle the next 'Full House' reunion.
  
• Clay Aiken v.s. Simon Cowell ~ because Simon's been waiting to shut Clay up for some time now, and given the opportunity most of America would back him in a heartbeat. Seriously, he's creepy looking enough as it is. Clay, you look like an emaciated cat. And his hit song? "If I was invisible, I would watch you in your room..." UM CREEPY?! Clay's gotta go.
  
• NY Yankees v.s. NY Mets ~ this could be an hour or two hour long special. Each team sends one player at a time to fight. The winner of each match gets put off to the side and the next match begins. At the end, the survivors join forces to make the ultimate NY baseball team. Why? Because the more obnoxious the Yankees' fans get, the more obvious it's become that there really isn't enough room in NY for these two teams and their fans.

People Buy This Crap: Fur Real

The other day Erin and I went to to Target to buy a few things. When we go there, we always take a few minutes to take a look at what new toys are out on the market. It helps to give us ideas for when we have to buy gifts for the kids in our lives. Well, on this trip we encountered a toy unlike any other we had ever seen. It was called the Fur Real Friends Butterscotch Interactive Pony. You can get a good idea of what it looks like at the top of this post.

Here's the product description from Amazon:

Butterscotch Pony is a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. She has many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail. Through sensors, Butterscotch can feel when she is being groomed and will move her head toward you, and may whinny and snort. The more you touch her, the happier she becomes. Just like a real pony, Butterscotch loves carrots and can be "fed." Hold the pretend carrot to her face, and she will open her mouth for it, or shake her head "no" if she has had enough. Kids can even sit on Butterscotch and she will gently bounce. Measures 20" x 39" x 42". Requires 4 "D" batteries (not included). Holds up to 80 pounds.

It's a rather large toy. Its size is equal to an actual pygmy pony. It looks incredibly lifelike. In terms of price, its retail of nearly 300 dollars is somewhat cheaper than a real pony. It also doesn't require any real food which makes it even more appealing to our increasingly lazy buying public.

I know that every little girl says she wants a pony at some point. And every parent is supposed to respond with the classic " you can't always get what you want" speech. They're not supposed to compromise by buying them an electronic toy pony. Life doesn't work that way. Besides, I doubt if any little girl would be truly happy with this toy. I can't see someone playing with it for more than a half hour or so. This generation has an incredibly short attention span. There is no need to fufill a wish that will be forgotten as soon as they go to sleep that night.

My generation did have its own version of an interactive toy pony, It was cheaper and provided endless hours of pure enjoyment as I rode it around the house. I have no doubt that my generation's toy pony will be around longer than the Fur Real version.

Random Fact #1

I've decided to start a new feature here on Pop Clutter. This one can be done by Kristen or I anytime we come across a random tidbit that we think might amuse you or help you win a game of Trivial Pursuit. So here's Random Fact #1:

Before she tortured the world with "London Bridge" and "Fergielicious" Stacy Ferguson (aka "Fergie") was the voice of Sally Brown in the 1983 tv special "It's Flashbeagle Charlie Brown". She also sang some songs on the soundtrack, "The Pig-Pen Hoe-Down," "I'm In Shape" and "Lucy Says."

For those of you under the age of 30, "Flashbeagle" was Charles Schulz's response to the movies "Flashdance" and "Staying Alive". Let's just say it was amusing but far from being his best work. I have the soundtrack on vinyl somewhere deep in the vault. If I remember correctly my parents bought it for me when I received First Holy Communion.

You're not likely to find the album reissued on CD or the video put out on DVD. You can however find a clip of it if you search for "Flashbeagle" on Youtube. The clip that was uploaded was the dance sequence. It was probably the best part of the whole special. So find it, and enjoy it. Just as you watch it ponder how empty our lives would be without Youtube and its library of every video clip ever made. Seriously, if it's on film someone has put it on that site.