Liberty and Pop Tarts for All

Recently enough, I was talking with a friend about the rumors/possibilities of the one-and-only Christopher Walken running for president (is he doing it or not?!). To some people, this may sound outrageous, but the way I see it anymore, aren't they all actors (politicians, I mean)? Do they not all lie - acting the way they're supposed to sometimes and the way they want to most of the time? Do we not know it's true and yet collectively decide to ignore it and keep voting them in?

Well, Christopher Walken may never run for president. But hey, maybe he will. I think that would be pretty cool, personally. Who can say it wouldn't bring some good change, the way the country's being run as it is? Most people will tell you they don't like how things are, but can't think of a way they'd want to change it. In any case, this got me thinking about other celebrities that might make good chief executives. Do let me know if you agree!

• Will Smith. Have you ever seen "Hitch"? And who doesn't love watching "Fresh Prince" re-runs? He's got charm. He's got charisma. He's got a sense of humor unparalleled in Hollywood. He's a family man and doesn't come across as a war-monger nor a pushover. And Jada Pinkett-Smith would make a fantastic First Lady.
  Con: The race thing. Don't tell me America is ready for a black president - the south is bigger and more alive than most people realize.
  Possible running-mate: Robert DeNiro. Because we all know the VP is, or can be, totally in control, really.
• Angelina Jolie. That whole adopting poor kids and saving the world thing is frankly, annoying. But let's face it - people listen to this lady. She played a total fucking psycho in "Girl, Interrupted" and it made people love her even more. Her "Tomb Raider" movies proved she can kick ass (clearly a pre-requisite). She's already got her nose in international affairs that don't involve oil companies (try it sometime, G.W.). Maybe her confident, reserved demeanor would have some calming effect on us.
  Con: She's a woman - again, do you really think we're ready? Oh, and Brad Pitt - the First ... Sexiest Man on Earth? Oh Lord...
  Possible running-mate: Jennifer Aniston (once Angie realizes Brad's not worth either of their time)
• Jack Nicholson. As far as I'm concerned, all he'd have to do is make that face from the cover of "The Shining" - it'd scare people (and possibly the economy) into behaving. If he did it hard enough, Osama would probably turn himself in. If he trained Christopher Walken to do it, too, and they did it together, the Middle East would make up and Hilary Duff would quit her "music" career.
  Con: None, I'm too scared to object.
  * have I ever mentioned that he scares the shit out of me ?
  Possible running-mate: Who would really be brave enough?
• Diddy. Seems like a rough choice, I know. But let's deal - he's probably going to run someday, anyway, and he'd probably (somehow) do a decent-to-good job. It's pretty hard to dislike him anymore...he's managed to do it all and do it well. Proactiv commercials included (featuring the infamous quote, "I gotta preserve my sexy.")
  Con: Voters being required to wear all white on election days (which are, afterall, past Labor Day). I'd say the race issue, but all he'd have to do is invite his nay-sayers to one of his parties and he'd be a shoe-in.
  Tip: Might want to calm down with the whole "vote or die" thing. Oh, and "and we don't stop" is not an acceptable platform.
  Possible running-mate: JayZ - the only other member of the rap/hiphop community to have comparable success in business endeavors, not to mention an ounce of class.
• Morgan Freeman. The only man convincing enough to play God. As far as I'm concerned, he's the best one on this list. If I had any say, he wouldn't even need a party or a platform - he's Morgan Freeman, dammit.
  Cons: None. He could be black, white, purple, polka dotted, single, married, gay, transgendered or communist*. We've learned more from his movies than any number of years inside walled educational institutions or within the claustrophobic confines of a cubicle. You've got my vote, Morgan.
  * just kiddingggg.
  Possible running-mate: Not to be redundant, but I want to say Christopher Walken. Because he's the only other actor I can think who could acceptably play God. And I mean cinematically, of course.

And then there's people who should never run for president. Namely:

• Maury Povich. Under him, "no child left behind" would be altered to indicate no child in the entire country would be left behind - without a DNA paternity test. No child left behind - without a baby's daddy.
• George Clooney. He's sworn to never marry, that his pet pot-bellied pig is enough companionship. Well, do I need to relate any predictable pun involving pigs and the white house? Let me just speak for the American public when I say that George is just too hot - and too weird - to be president.
• Johnny Depp. Okay, okay... I love Johnny as much as the next girl. Emphasis on love. And that quiet elusiveness may seem like an ideal attitude to contrast the typical stressed-out political stereotype. But give this more thought...a lot more. Johnny chose to move to another country to live and raise his children. What country, you ask? FRANCE. Of all goddamn countries, this beautiful eyeliner-savvy pirate chose FRANCE. This should trigger a big, huge, red, neon, flashing sign - no good comes of this. Sorry, Johnny. Enjoy your croissants.
• Ashton Kutcher. This one speaks for itself. My purpose in including it is to offer an illustration of what we don't want in office, let alone representing our generation. He went from a pot-smoking airhead on "That 70's Show" to an obnoxious prankster-airhead on "Punk'd". He's forged an unexpected friendship with suggested candidate Diddy, but don't let that vouch for him. Do you really want to hear that voice during state-of-the-union addresses and press conferences? Nobody does. And Ashton - yeah, you bagged Demi. Dude, we're really not impressed.
  

Coping With Nerdiness

I am a nerd. There is no denying this fact so I might as well admit it here. In my overnight bag, there are more books than clothes. I think there might be a sweater in there and perhaps a pair of underwear. They will stay in there for the forseeable future. They've been in there so long I'm not sure if they are even the right size anymore. It doesn't really matter either way.


I wasn't always a nerd. The role was chosen for me based on my appearance as a child. I looked bookish so the world assumed I was. I was small and slight of frame. My glasses were bifocals. The glass was so thick that If I had been a more sadistic child I could have staged ant genocide on a scale never seen before.

This made me grade-A prime target for bullies and bullies in training. There wasn't a fist that didn't find a comfortable home on my body. The fists would set up a primary residence on my face and then take the time to set up vacation homes all over the rest of me.

My average (and often below) grades did nothing to help convince them that I wasn't a nerd. I didn't do homework for years. All to no avail.

By the time I got to high school, I realized it was destined to be my role so I played it the best I could. I was so convincing that I managed to get into the Honors classes. The physical beatings stopped at this point, only to be replaced by verbal mockery.

Unfortunately, the bullies weren't as quick witted as I was. If they said one thing, I took it a step further. My self deprecation knew no bounds. If they said I had 4 eyes, I would tell them I had 6.

That's enough of the warm and fuzzy flashbacks for now. Its now time to get back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

WWSD?

Whenever I'm faced with uncertainty and the stakes are high, I turn to the wisdom of ages past to guide me. I turn to a man who was able to solve all problems that faced him. He was super in every sense of the word. I turn to Schneider. He embodied the belief to live life one day at a time. He repaired the plumbing and the fixtures. But more importantly he provided spiritual caulk for the broken spirits he encountered everyday. There is no doubt my mind that he is on the fast track to sainthood.

Get your quarters ready ...

Ah, New Paltz. The place that separates the smart hippies from the overly-burnt out ones. Well, maybe not so much ...

The other day I was in a student lounge standing before a vending machine, trying to decide what was more worth my $1.25: a Mountain Dew code red, or a raspberry iced tea (decisions, decisions). There were two girls a couple of feet away from me standing in front of the ATM machine (remember that, it's important), looking as if they were waiting for someone. This is the conversation I overheard during my trip to the vending machine:

Girl 1: There should be a vending machine that gives out money!
Girl 2: Yeah! Oh my god, that would be awesome. I'd totally be there all the time!
Girl 1: Me too! I'd never go to class!
Girl 2: Wait, but if it gives out money, then what do you put in?
Girl 1: *silence*

So, in case you care, I quickly bought myself a Mountain Dew (caffeine always comes first, k?) and retreated because I couldn't contain my own laughter.

So that got me thinking...what kind of vending machines don't we see that maybe we should??

Pen/pencil vending machine - Preferably located near to classrooms in schools. It's such a bitch to find you've forgotten to bring a pen to class. Bumming off somebody else constantly in high school is almost expected (from some people) but in college it's much less classy. And on the rare occasion a teacher decides to use those computer bubble sheets for tests, 90% of the class will forget to bring a #2 pencil to class because who the hell uses them anymore, anyway? My friend Chris has probably borrowed and consequently stolen thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of pens and pencils throughout his academic career. I'm sure a vending machine would have been of great assistance to him.

A Common-Cold relief machine - Once you get into college, it's no longer a badge of pride to miss as many classes as you can, but instead a huge waste of money and a pain in the ass to make up. When you get sick (as I have, 10x more often since I graduated high school - a conspiracy?) you still have to show up, pretty much. Same with work, regardless of how much your sinuses are gushing, your throat is raggedly sore and how often you interrupt your professor's lecture with sneezing fits. A vending machine containing tissue packs, chap-stick, cough drops, day-quil, throat spray, nose drops and disposable thermometers (just in case your case becomes severe enough for a trip to the health center) would definitely make this situation easier for a lot of people.

Reserved Parking machine - As much as I can't complain too much about parking right now because I chose to take classes that start at 12:30 in the afternoon instead of 8:30 in the morning, I still hate parking because at my school there is no pattern. Sometimes at 2:30 on Monday there's tons of spots and sometime there's none. As a commuter, I pay even more than the average student* to attend school because I pay for gas, tolls (when I take the thruway) and I pay in the form of time, too ... I spend over an hour driving to school and back every day. It would be pretty super sweet if I could put a few bucks into a machine and get myself an official New Paltz reserved parking sign, enforced by the all-powerful campus security, to smack down wherever I'd like to park every day. I understand this would contain limited product because it would sell so fast, so we could set down some rules on it (as long as they favor me, of course). For instance, ellible students must be juniors or seniors with a B GPA or higher at the time of sale. Like me.

* the average student lives on campus and their tuition is taken care of by their parents or the state in the form of student aid. i pay for my own tolls and gas.

Skip it - Does anyone feel like college classes, for the most part, are repeats of other classes you've already taken? As if showing up and doing the work is all you really have to do to pass because a vast majority of the information has already been stored in your brain at some point or another? More importantly, has anyone seen the movie "Click" ?? Wouldn't you love a remote control that could fast-forward through time to the part where class is over, you have all the notes you need and information in your head but you didn't have to sit through an hour or two of sleep-inducing lectures? I would. I would definitely pay whatever a vending machine asked for that, even if I had to use that " money vending machine" that girl was talking about to get it ...

I could think of more if I wasn't heading out the door for another 40-minute trek to school. Anyone else have ideas?

Books I've Written....Now Available At Bookstores

A lot of time blog writers have their own books to promote. I'm no different, Here are some of the titles I've written:
Things To Do in Wisconsin When You're Lactose Intolerant
The Kama Sutra In Klingon
Jesus Doesn't Really Love You That's Why He Never Returns Your Calls
Masturbation For Dummies
The Complete Idiot's Guide To "If a Plane crashes half in the U.S. and half In Canada, Where Do You Bury The Survivors?"
Kiryas Joel and The Rebbe In The Big Yellow Yarmulke
Let Alcohol Take The Blame: How To Avoid Personal Responsibility In The 21st Century
Why Does That Kid Wear A Helmet?: Secrets I Learned While Riding The Little Bus
Take This Steve Jobs and Shove It: 101 Things You Can Do With Your Mac

These titles are available everywhere fine books are imagined.

Thank you for the music...the song I'm singing...

The fact that MTV does not, indeed, play music anymore (unless you count about five minutes total during TRL - I don't, or the early morning hours - who's actually up that early?!) is not new. I think I started watching MTV with regularity sometime in middle school and by then I recall most of the programming being "The Real World", "Road Rules" and other similar shows. In the midst of all the protests from people, I usually would take MTV's side ... I liked watching "Beavis and Butthead" and "Daria", I didn't mind the lack of music at that point. "Vh1 is still on," I would remind people - yeah, if you don't mind healthy doses of Bryan Adams and Meatloaf mixed in with your at-least-two-years-old videos being played. But still.

Alas, now even Vh1 has stepped onto the dark side. I couldn't care less, honestly, because I hardly watch TV to begin with. But as far as I can see, their programming now involves Hulk Hogan, a group of incredibly pathetic women shaming their parents by trying to marry the hopelessly classless Flava Flav, and a bunch of fat celebrities competing to lose weight (and a lot of people will now step in and say 'hey! that's a good show!' - and yes, i agree, i like that show. but that's not my point, damn it.)

What I'm actually trying to get at in some roundabout way is .... what the HELL ever happened to Pop-Up video?!?!!

I think everyone remembers this show (especially Lisa Loeb's "Stay" and Mariah Carey's "Fantasy") and everyone should recognize its vast overlooking. I can't help but wonder if we haven't seen it in forever because videos are just unpoppable anymore. How many times can you pop a video portraying a rapper in a club/car show/studio/parking lot/random field with a bunch of half naked, big booty'd women, who are clearly only there because somebody is rapping, and that's what has to happen when somebody raps? With the dematerialization of boy bands coinciding with the maturing (i.e. whorification) of Britney, Christina* and the gang, pop hardly exists anymore and certainly very few videos go mainstream from that genre like they used to.

What does that leave us with? Nothing all that good, I'm sure. I don't need to watch television to be sure of that. Not to say there aren't some isolated cases of bands/artists that actually come up with good songs and videos, but probably not enough to make more than one or two episodes worth of pop-up videos.

So consider this my humble petition to the musicians of today ... please write better songs. And make better videos. Please. In honor of all those that have passed and moved on, who can no longer furnish pop-uppable videos but would like to see others who can and will follow in their footsteps. Make Mariah, Lisa, and the rest of the gang proud.

* christina is allowed to be a whore because she's actually talented.

People Buy This Crap?!

The reports in the business press and the financial shows tell us that the economy is good. The only proof you need to prove this fact is that people will buy just about anything. There is nothing in the world so bad that there isn't someone who is willing to pay money for it. This is the cornerstone of our American economy. Its never more apparent than when one sets foot in Walmart. Walmart's whole existence is dependent on this premise. No matter what people may say about them (good or bad). There can be no doubt that Walmart sells a lot of crap. In fact today, I spoke to the person in charge of their crap department and she informed me that they sells billions of dollars a year (in that store alone).

Today my crack research team and I took a trip to a small-town Super-Walmart to beat the late October rush on toilet paper. What we found instead was 5 aisles of Haloween candy. It was enough sugar to rot the few remaining teeth of those small town residents. One item was particuliarly sinister in its sweetness, Candy-Corn Taffy.

It's a combination of America's two least popular candies into a candy that is somehow even less popular than its components. Its reverse synergy on a scale thats been unseen thus far. I can't imagine that the person who came up with it still gainfully employed as a candymaker. I was tempted to buy it for experimental purposes so I could share my horror story with you wonderful reader. But, I couldn't bear to part with the two dollars for the one pound bag (aka "Lifetime Supply"). If someone else bought it, I would probably try it. Unfortunately,There's no guarantee I would live to make an actual review.


The only candy corn related product that comes close in sheer awfulness is:




The less I say about this canned puke the better.


Oh well.

I'm The Garfunkel In This Endeavor

Hi my name is Damian and I'm the other guy. In all great partnerships there are the leaders and those who are along for the ride. Kristen is definitely the leader so that leaves me in the enviable position of second banana.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I, like Kanye West, am a college dropout. I was a Marketing major. So I know very little about anything that would apply to the real world. The only skill college gave me was the ability to sell people things that they don't need. This is the true purpose of all marketing and I grasped it 15 minutes into my first marketing course.

Marketing took away my ability to think in any deep and meaningful way. I went from WWJD (What would Jesus Do?) to WWBGD (What Would Bill Gates Do?) and perhaps WWRPD (what would Ron Popeil do?). I hope to bring some of this to the blog with my regular feature entitled "People Buy This Crap?". It will be a celebration of consumerism at is most crass. As if we would want it any other way.

A Form of Entrapment

I guess the best possible way to start this off would be to introduce ourselves... (there's two of us, for now. Myself, and Damian).

My name is Kristen. I'm 21 years old (it's all downhill from here?) and I'm a junior at SUNY New Paltz majoring in journalism. For the most part, I'm just a sarcastic, slightly arrogant but mostly humble (especially when it comes to my writing) youth trying mostly in vain to make sense of things. I have a lot of common, cliche interests for someone my age but I like to think I see things in a different light than other people (much like Damian...you'll see). What I need to work on is accepting being wrong about things, because it doesn't happen often but I know it should and one day I'm sure it will all happen at once and I will label that my mid-life crisis :)

With that said, I'll allow Damian to post an introduction of his own in due time and then we will begin to unleash a fury of blogs like you have never before seen. Or maybe you have ... but we like to think you haven't :)

- Kristen

There will be something worth reading soon enough.

- Damian

On our way...

blog is in progress :)

- kristen