Just. Don't. Say it.

In the past week or so, I've had a bunch of experiences playing upon many of my pet peaves. Which got me to thinking about so many pet peaves I have...probably more than, say, the average person. A lot of people could probably categorize their pet peaves. I would need the Dewey Decimal System to do that.
One of my pet peaves that I deal with most often is overused or otherwise annoying phrases and words. Especially since I work in retail, I hear some of the most ridiculous and annoying things and it grates upon my nerves and lowers my faith in my own generation. Many times, I can only shake my head at these things. But there are a few that I wish I could ban from every language known to human beings. Allow me to illustrate ...

touché - I can't say I've never uttered this phrase before ... but it's extremely rare that I do. To do so would do two things: admit someone came up with a response to something stupendously witty that I've said that was better than my original statement (which is truly why it's rare for me to say it) and it would legitimize other people saying it ... and sounding like assholes. Unless you're a four year old holding a sword and pretending to be Robin Hood for Halloween ... don't. Just don't.

notwithstanding - What does that even mean? Seriously. Someone just put three words together and decided it should mean something along the lines of 'regardless'. Who are you trying to sound smarter than? I had a customer use this word on my line the other day at work and I just gave them the look.

shorty / ma - For those of you unfamiliar, these are slang words commonly affiliated with ebonics or otherwise urban slang. And they're really, really annoying. I wish I knew the logic behind someone deciding they could even remotely sound like a compliment or term of endearment for a guy's lady. Shorty? Yeah, I'm short. You'll deal. I don't call you beanstalk, do I? And ma?? Oh Lord, please. Don't even get me started. I feel like this is a subconcious hint that a guy deems you worthy of settling down with and having a kid. The problem with that would be that no guy who calls me ma is ever going to father a child of mine. And if I do have a boy someday and he calls me ma in that context, he's getting slapped really, really hard.

"how are you?" "could be better, i guess." "oh, it could be worse." - This is something I encounter often at my job. A customer asks how I am, I am honest (it's 11:30 on a Friday night, why would I want to be here?) and they go on to tell me that "it could be worse." Yeah, I suppose it could. But why did you ask me how I was unless you wanted to know? And how do you know it could be worse? You're not behind this register, I am. I wouldn't come to your job and insist you have it easy. I think this one boils down to people being sincere. Don't ask me how I am unless you actually care. Most people nowadays aren't for mindless filler convo, I assure you.

"what's up?" "the sky." - If you use this one, you're the most unoriginal asshole in the history of life. Honestly, if I ask you 'what's up' and you have the urge to answer with 'the sky', don't answer at all. I'll be less offended that way. It may not seem so at first, but I promise you. Just don't say 'the sky'.

"can i ask you a question?" "you just did" - If you use this one, you're also the most unoriginal asshole in the history of life. And on top of that, it's probably a main reason nobody wants to talk to you. Why should they if you make them feel awkward about it? Use this enough and you're bound for loneliness and isolation.

cool beans - As far as I'm concerned, there's no excuse for anyone to say this ever again. Whether you're 5, 13 or 20 there's just no reason. 'Cool' is perfectly acceptable and a timeless expression that's carried on from when my dad was a teenager. Where did beans play into it? Why are the beans cool? They're not, there are no beans. Again, if I say something to you and you feel the urge to add 'beans' onto your 'cool', don't say anything. I don't care if I just told you I won the hugest Mega Millions jackpot in the history of the game, that is the last reaction I want to hear. I'd rather have you attempt to kick my ass for the winning ticket than hear that saying. (I say 'attempt' because for that ticket, I would probably kill you. Not gonna lie.)