Baba Wawa and Der Fuhrer

There are very few real journalists on television. Our airwaves are filled with babblers who ask meaningless questions that don't bring any depth to a story's coverage. One person in particuliar has stood shoulders above the crowd in her pursuit of irrelevancy, Barbara Walters. Her questions over the last 30 years have garnered responses as varied as "Uh huh" and "Unh Uh". Somehow we are supposed to assume a depth of content when its a world leader giving these guttural responses. The truth of the matter is that if any journalism student ever attempted to submit an interview like one of hers they would (at worst) be forced to change their major or (at best) have to redo their work endlessly to get a passing grade.

I've often wondered if ABC gets a tax write off for their hiring a mentally challenged reporter to do interviews.

Back on November 14, 2001 She made an appearance on Larry King Live. This was an appearance with the one person in the world that might possibly be a worse interviewer then her. But in the course of the interview King asks an interesting question. The transcript is below:


KING: Would you have interviewed Hitler in 1939?

WALTERS: I would have shot him.

KING: But you might have interviewed him? Better we know than we don't know or we draw a line?
WALTERS: See, I don't want to read in tomorrow's paper, "Barbara Walters said, 'Yes, I would interview Hitler.'" So I think I will abstain, but you know what I would have said, you know.

KING: These are tough times.

WALTERS: These are tough questions.

And indeed those were tough questions. With that in mind I have made a list of the questions that Barbara Walters would have asked Hitler in 1939.

1. That mustache looks good on you.

This is a classic Walters interview starter. She will flatter the interviewee on some aspect of their appearance. I'm aware of the fact that technically this is not a question. Of course you need to remember that she is not technically a journalist.

2. Do you think your sexier than President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill?

This always comes out in her interviews with celebrities. She asks them a question about the person's appearance in relation to others in their field.

3. Where do you see the Master Race in the future?

She always like to have the interviewee speculate about the future, and the future of their cause. It smells like substance, and looks like substance but when you taste it you find out its just more fluff.

4. If you were a tree which tree would you be?

Everyone thinks this question was just made up and that she never really asked it. But indeed she did ask it of Katherine Hepburn. That was an interview that also included this classic:

Barbara Walters: So, Kate, do you even own a skirt?
Katharine Hepburn: I own one, Barbara. I shall wear it to your funeral.

5. Should I scrape the vaselline of the camera lens so we can go somewhere and do it?

When you watch her interview any male who's not a troll in appearance there is always a palpable sexual tension. This indeed would be the next logical step. Of course, once she caught syphillis from the Fuhrer she could find a new career doing lectures in high school gym classes all over the country. Perhaps in the end that would be a far better career path than the one she has chosen.