Just. Don't. Say it.

In the past week or so, I've had a bunch of experiences playing upon many of my pet peaves. Which got me to thinking about so many pet peaves I have...probably more than, say, the average person. A lot of people could probably categorize their pet peaves. I would need the Dewey Decimal System to do that.
One of my pet peaves that I deal with most often is overused or otherwise annoying phrases and words. Especially since I work in retail, I hear some of the most ridiculous and annoying things and it grates upon my nerves and lowers my faith in my own generation. Many times, I can only shake my head at these things. But there are a few that I wish I could ban from every language known to human beings. Allow me to illustrate ...

touché - I can't say I've never uttered this phrase before ... but it's extremely rare that I do. To do so would do two things: admit someone came up with a response to something stupendously witty that I've said that was better than my original statement (which is truly why it's rare for me to say it) and it would legitimize other people saying it ... and sounding like assholes. Unless you're a four year old holding a sword and pretending to be Robin Hood for Halloween ... don't. Just don't.

notwithstanding - What does that even mean? Seriously. Someone just put three words together and decided it should mean something along the lines of 'regardless'. Who are you trying to sound smarter than? I had a customer use this word on my line the other day at work and I just gave them the look.

shorty / ma - For those of you unfamiliar, these are slang words commonly affiliated with ebonics or otherwise urban slang. And they're really, really annoying. I wish I knew the logic behind someone deciding they could even remotely sound like a compliment or term of endearment for a guy's lady. Shorty? Yeah, I'm short. You'll deal. I don't call you beanstalk, do I? And ma?? Oh Lord, please. Don't even get me started. I feel like this is a subconcious hint that a guy deems you worthy of settling down with and having a kid. The problem with that would be that no guy who calls me ma is ever going to father a child of mine. And if I do have a boy someday and he calls me ma in that context, he's getting slapped really, really hard.

"how are you?" "could be better, i guess." "oh, it could be worse." - This is something I encounter often at my job. A customer asks how I am, I am honest (it's 11:30 on a Friday night, why would I want to be here?) and they go on to tell me that "it could be worse." Yeah, I suppose it could. But why did you ask me how I was unless you wanted to know? And how do you know it could be worse? You're not behind this register, I am. I wouldn't come to your job and insist you have it easy. I think this one boils down to people being sincere. Don't ask me how I am unless you actually care. Most people nowadays aren't for mindless filler convo, I assure you.

"what's up?" "the sky." - If you use this one, you're the most unoriginal asshole in the history of life. Honestly, if I ask you 'what's up' and you have the urge to answer with 'the sky', don't answer at all. I'll be less offended that way. It may not seem so at first, but I promise you. Just don't say 'the sky'.

"can i ask you a question?" "you just did" - If you use this one, you're also the most unoriginal asshole in the history of life. And on top of that, it's probably a main reason nobody wants to talk to you. Why should they if you make them feel awkward about it? Use this enough and you're bound for loneliness and isolation.

cool beans - As far as I'm concerned, there's no excuse for anyone to say this ever again. Whether you're 5, 13 or 20 there's just no reason. 'Cool' is perfectly acceptable and a timeless expression that's carried on from when my dad was a teenager. Where did beans play into it? Why are the beans cool? They're not, there are no beans. Again, if I say something to you and you feel the urge to add 'beans' onto your 'cool', don't say anything. I don't care if I just told you I won the hugest Mega Millions jackpot in the history of the game, that is the last reaction I want to hear. I'd rather have you attempt to kick my ass for the winning ticket than hear that saying. (I say 'attempt' because for that ticket, I would probably kill you. Not gonna lie.)

Could we even think of selling these nowadays?

We Grew Up So Quickly ...

I went through adolescence perfectly in balance with the come-back of boy-bands and pop princesses. Smack dab in the middle of my teenage years, *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Britney and Christina were monopolizing the tops of the charts and drowning us in pin-ups and $3.99 posters. And we couldn't get enough of it. When adults tsk-tsk'd us, insisting we were wasting our time, that these flash-in-the-pans wouldn't be so glitter and glamour in just a few years, we were sure they were bitter about being so old, they didn't know what they were talking about. A couple of the New Kids on the Block had come back, and our favorites would too once their initial 15 minutes was up. We were just so sure.

Well ... what can I say? I guess I have to finally accept that I'm no longer a teenager and I was *gulp* wrong. BUT. I refuse to sound like one of those adults that tried to make me look stupid for buying BOP magazine religiously. So I will (very fairly) portray the befores and afters of the pop princesses I secretly wanted to be roomies with on the road during my own tour. (Tragically, my own musical career never took off. I forgot to start it.)

Jessica Simpson

Jess was initially that cheeky yet innocent southern girl who always went to church and, most famously, was saving her virginity for marriage. Much to the absolute joy of the pop world, that marriage came about (all too quickly, perhaps?) when she got with Nick Lachey of the 2nd rate boy band 98 Degrees.

Where is she now?

WELL. I don't think I need to write an article just about Jess and Nick's wildly ineffective reality MTV show (which probably played a main role in wrecking their marriage). With a recently finalized divorce behind her, fans can still find Jessica backing her unrecognizable sister as she flubs her lip synchs and physically morphs into Barbie. Jess is harder to find nowadays because her hair color keeps changing, along with her lips.

She's rumored to be dating soft-rocker John Mayer and trying to avoid her ex, Lachey, who seems to revel in flaunting his newly serious romance with beauty Vanessa Minillo. Jess is actually doing well in regards to her career. Her songs do well and her acting career is gaining some kind of momentum among people that like to look at her and tend to forget she's speaking. (see: "Dukes of Hazzard")

Christina Aguilera

If there was ever a late 90's popstar that earned her money, it was Christina. An early grammy winner for her first album, "Christina Aguilera" in 2000, she went through some phases along with her music, which summoned comparisons to the ever-evolving Madonna. After her first major wave of successes which arguably put her at the top of the pop-princess gene pool, Christina became more hispanic. Suddenly, her name was "Chree-stina Ah-gee-lera" and not long after, her single "Dirty" came out. Along with a spread in Maxim magazine. Millions of boys across the world went through puberty that month.

Where is she now?

Nowadays Christina is cleaned up and married, actually. So basically, she's an anomaly of the pop washout stereotype. She recently released a new album titled "Back to Basics", which is subtly appropriate, as is it her first major release and an implied attempt at convincing the fans she lost during her "Dirty" phase that she didn't lose any talent in that cold, cold water. (Or in the mud she was wrestling in for the video to the title track of that album). On the new album, she tries out contemporary lyrics with old-school styles of singing and so far has only generated hits - and fans. Myself included.

Britney Spears

Before I even begin, let us have a moment of silence in, well, non-honor of how we all made a big deal out of Britney's first video - how we actually thought she was somehow being risque by dancing around in half a schoolgirl uniform, inspiring a new genre of child porn. Alas, had we only known...

Britney Spears ... what can we say? I don't have the physical endurance to type out every phase Britney has been through since she debuted in the late 90's as the queen of TRL and the object of death threats for every girl that was convinced she would beat out Britney to marry Justin Timberlake of NSYNC. From my own viewpoint, I think I can safely say that each time Britney released a new album, she forgot one way to take care of herself. At first, it was sexy. The hair got messier - bedroom hair. The clothes became less - obviously a sexual revolution as the girl comes of age. But then people started noticing something - a disturbing trend that would come to haunt - absolutely haunt - the indifferent and the diehard fans alike: she started to really suck. I don't even mean that in a Paris Hilton way, I mean her music started to really take a turn. Instead of generating hit after hit, she came out with a bunch of hits and misses.

Then she got married. For like, a day. That's when people started to realize she wasn't ... quite ... all there. Maybe that breakup with Justin was more harsh than we thought? Oh god, but then she got married AGAIN. And she turned into this:

And if you still believed that once her marriage to the always-classy rapper wannabe Kevin Federline calmed down (and the baby was born healthy, thank God), she would clean up. Um, yeah. There was another baby. And a breakup. And within the last week, after repeated begs and interventions from ex boyfriend Justin Timberlake, as well as family and estranged husband Kevin aka K-fed, three different stints in rehab. Oh, yeah, and she shaved her head.
Somehow I don't think she's trying out for a role in a film about nazis.

Instead of being like everyone else and comparing her to ET or Verne Troyer, I'll just say that I hope for three things: I hope her hair grows quickly, I hope she gets better in rehab, and I hope someone with a good PR person befriends her - soon. (Christina, you busy next Thursday?)

yay and nay!

I'm back! Oh yes, I know, I know you missed me ... I beg your forgiveness, but in the last few months I managed to survive the holidays, preparing for another insane semester and moving out for the first time. But I would never abandon you guys ;)

I've missed opportunities to comment on some things as they've happened in the past few months, I know. Well, in my local newspaper every week in the sports section there's a column titled "cheers and jeers" that comments on figures in the sports world who have done or said good and bad things. Well, here's the beginning of my version, "yay and nay".

Did you think I would come back after all this time and not organize my rants? Psssh. So without further ado ...

YAY ~ To the Indianapolis Colts for winning the Superbowl this year. Normally I'm a diehard NY Giants fan, but the Colts made themselves my second favorite this season because they're such good athletes and their games are always exciting. Honorable mention: the Chicago Bears, because they lost but they lost with grace. They put up an excellent fight in an era of unremarkable superbowl games. Also, the coaches - Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith - class acts, totally. The first thing Dungy did when his team won was give his long-time friend, Lovie, a hug. Like it wasn't enough that they were the first two black coaches to ever go to the superbowl. I applaud you both, and your teams.

NAY ~ To Brandon Boyd, otherwise known as the lead singer for Incubus. I have no idea how many songs or albums they have released because they all sound the same. Sometimes it's a good thing to have a unique voice. But, um, change the songs up a bit, eh? The other morning on my ride up to school I thought I was singing along to "Stellar" and turns out it was a completely different song. That was when I realized I no longer like Incubus.

YAY ~ To a lady named Heather Dune Mcadam, who came to speak for my journalism class about a week ago. She is in the process of being considered for a teaching job in the journalism department and as part of her talk with us, she had us complete a small assignment: a rant. She told us that one of the ways to get your brain working on ideas for a good investigative reporting story is to find something to rant about. Thank you, Ms. Mcadam, for affirming that ranting is indeed a legitimate form of journalism :P

NAY ~ To the cops in my town who are known less for being productive than for using their sirens/lights to run red lights in busy intersections. A few weeks ago I witnessed a very near miss of an accident in the middle of such an intersection caused by a police car's sudden rush through the red light when his lights were not previously on. When I passed the car that was almost demolished by an SUV, I saw an elderly lady in the driver's seat, her hands clutching the wheel looking pretty startled. I don't think I need to comment further on why that gets a NAY.

NAY ~ To people I like to call "Ipod Whiners". When the previously mentioned Ms. Mcadam came and ushered my journalism class to rant, the best thing one boy could come up with was that the wires on his Ipod froze on his way to class and it made the buds fall out of his ears. That got me thinking, mostly about how the majority of people I see glued to Ipods annoy the hell out of me. Especially on my campus they walk around with their noses in the air or looking down, oblivious to life, trying to find just the right song to be their theme music as they walk from building to building. There is SO MUCH MORE to life than hearing songs you've obviously listened to enough to want to download onto that thing. And Ipod Whiners - you're becoming extinct. So many people have been involved in accidents in NYC because they pay more attention to the shuffle order on their Ipod than where they're walking that I've heard rumors of a law against them while travelling in busy areas. And as for those in my hometown who are so attached to their Ipods - a general rule. If your parents are on welfare or use food stamps, you should not be getting designer Ipod cases for your birthday.

NAY ~ To Windows Vista. I'm a Windows fan, I won't lie. XP is absolutely satisfactory for my personal home computer needs. I won't, however, deny that there are some errors that can and should have been worked on. ie. the dreaded blue screen! Why can't Microsoft impress us for once and fix what already mostly works instead of coming out with a new version that will inevitably contain more problems to screw our computers up? I refuse to convert, Bill Gates, I refuse!!!

NAY ~ To whoever invented a thing called a Fathead. If you're not already aware, a Fathead is a life-sized cut-out poster made out of wallpaper of a sports figure. My boyfriend was given one for Christmas. We just moved into our first house together. There is now a seven-foot Tim Duncan - with the 'fro - on our living room wall. Since I technically took over most of the top floor of the house, we agreed that the living room would be his space - where his computer, video games, etc. are. So I can't really win any fights about good 'ol Timmy, I do get startled when I turn around and see him looking like he's about to slam dunk me into the ground. What ever happened to $3.99 posters from Wal-Mart?

NAY ~ To SUNY New Paltz parking enforcement. This is on behalf of my friend, Chris, who has gotten several tickets for parking in commuter lots without a parking pass - which costs $65 a year, by the way. It seems like they didn't let him get away with ONE day of parking without that pass, even when he had to take a different car up at the last minute because his normal one broke down. In the old hippie town of New Paltz, as soon as the sun sets as you walk through campus the smell of cigarettes die down and you can tell from smell alone that those standing outside smoking are indeed smoking joints. I just love the irony of that being allowed, yet if we rebel against the incredulous amounts charged for a parking pass, we're ticketed in amounts nearly doubling that.

YAY ~ To the Grammys, for actually putting on a show this year. I noticed less talking and more focus on the awards people bother watching to see in the first place, and more performances. Not that I'm against people who win those "other" awards, but if you're going to put something on TV it needs to be interesting.

NAY ~ To the recent outburst of criticism for the American Idol judges. I won't lie - I'm an AI fan. And I support the judges. Sometimes they laugh at people, and it seems cruel ... but if you try to see it from their shoes you might understand a little more. Some of those auditioners HAVE to be staging themselves ... it's obvious. They don't go from relatively normal in the background when someone else is being interviewed to absolutely retarded when the camera happens to be on them. And the treatment the judges give them is nothing in comparison to what they'll get from record execs. I have nothing to do with the music industry and even I know that. In the past few years AI has gone from frivolous reality show to legitimate career-starter - two of the past winners have won Grammys!! The judges need to act accordingly and prepare these kids for the careers they're trying to get themselves into. Anything less would be the real cruel thing.

NAY ~ To Howard K. Stern, the late Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and partner and alleged father to her five-month-old baby. He's stood by idly and silent as both Daniel and Anna Nicole Smith have perished. How can he think people don't notice the remarkable difference between the image he portrays of himself and the image that's portrayed of the two deceased because of the causes of death that are being pointed to - namely drug use. Does anyone really think he had nothing to do with that? And in the wake of Anna Nicole's death, he has not issued any major press released that I am aware of - seems like cat's got his tongue, I guess. I can't imagine money would have anything to do with this - since he represented her when she battled for ex-husband's billion-dollar fortune. This guy seriously must have the worst PR I can even think of.

NAY ~ To Tim Hardaway, a 13 year veteran of the NBA. In the wake of the story breaking that one of his old NBA alumnis has come out of the closet, an interviewer for a radio station asked Hardaway how he felt about it. He went on to banter (poor grammar, and all) about how he is admittedly and proudly homophobic, how he hates gays and would never want to be on the same team as a gay and that he thinks it's wrong and wants nothing to do with gay people. He was subsequently dropped from any league-related events, which I believe should only be the beginning of the outlash he deserves on any career he might have left over.

YAY ~ To an article I stumbled on while reading some news headlines on Yahoo!, which exclaims that this week is something called Random Acts of Kindness Week. Sounds pretty artificial and Hallmarky to me, but I like it anyway. In fact, I like it so much I've decided that for one week I'm going to pledge to myself to do at least one random kind thing a day. (C'mon, who hasn't seen the movie Pay It Forward and didn't cry?!)

That's it for now. But oh, I will be back. I AM back. So hang tight, cause once I round Diguba back up from the depths of writer's block hell we will have this blog hoppin' again.

Baba Wawa and Der Fuhrer

There are very few real journalists on television. Our airwaves are filled with babblers who ask meaningless questions that don't bring any depth to a story's coverage. One person in particuliar has stood shoulders above the crowd in her pursuit of irrelevancy, Barbara Walters. Her questions over the last 30 years have garnered responses as varied as "Uh huh" and "Unh Uh". Somehow we are supposed to assume a depth of content when its a world leader giving these guttural responses. The truth of the matter is that if any journalism student ever attempted to submit an interview like one of hers they would (at worst) be forced to change their major or (at best) have to redo their work endlessly to get a passing grade.

I've often wondered if ABC gets a tax write off for their hiring a mentally challenged reporter to do interviews.

Back on November 14, 2001 She made an appearance on Larry King Live. This was an appearance with the one person in the world that might possibly be a worse interviewer then her. But in the course of the interview King asks an interesting question. The transcript is below:


KING: Would you have interviewed Hitler in 1939?

WALTERS: I would have shot him.

KING: But you might have interviewed him? Better we know than we don't know or we draw a line?
WALTERS: See, I don't want to read in tomorrow's paper, "Barbara Walters said, 'Yes, I would interview Hitler.'" So I think I will abstain, but you know what I would have said, you know.

KING: These are tough times.

WALTERS: These are tough questions.

And indeed those were tough questions. With that in mind I have made a list of the questions that Barbara Walters would have asked Hitler in 1939.

1. That mustache looks good on you.

This is a classic Walters interview starter. She will flatter the interviewee on some aspect of their appearance. I'm aware of the fact that technically this is not a question. Of course you need to remember that she is not technically a journalist.

2. Do you think your sexier than President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill?

This always comes out in her interviews with celebrities. She asks them a question about the person's appearance in relation to others in their field.

3. Where do you see the Master Race in the future?

She always like to have the interviewee speculate about the future, and the future of their cause. It smells like substance, and looks like substance but when you taste it you find out its just more fluff.

4. If you were a tree which tree would you be?

Everyone thinks this question was just made up and that she never really asked it. But indeed she did ask it of Katherine Hepburn. That was an interview that also included this classic:

Barbara Walters: So, Kate, do you even own a skirt?
Katharine Hepburn: I own one, Barbara. I shall wear it to your funeral.

5. Should I scrape the vaselline of the camera lens so we can go somewhere and do it?

When you watch her interview any male who's not a troll in appearance there is always a palpable sexual tension. This indeed would be the next logical step. Of course, once she caught syphillis from the Fuhrer she could find a new career doing lectures in high school gym classes all over the country. Perhaps in the end that would be a far better career path than the one she has chosen.

We here at Pop Clutter are guilty of the most enjoyable of the 7 deadly sins, Sloth. What makes sloth so great is that it requires absolutely no effort. It's as easy as taking a nap after an open faced turkey sandwich. Oddly enough, I have the feeling that its the triptophanes that are to blame for this turn of events.

Yes, we aren't above following the contemporary trend in blaming our wrongs on something totally outside of ourselves.

I promise that we will be back in due time. The Holidays, term papers and final exams won't get in the way of us skimming the cream off of the top of our brains.

See you all soon.

Modern Slavery

One of the biggest, most talked about trends in Hollywood today is the issue of celebrities adopting children from poor countries. Angelina Jolie is, of course, the poster mom for this - which you already know unless you live in a cave, in which case tell Osama some people are looking for him.

Why is this trend so controversial? Well, it's inevitable that people will question the genuine concern these celebrities have for the children they pluck from their homelands, and whether they're only doing it for publicity or not. I admit, at first Angelina annoyed the hell out of me because her adoption of little Maddox from Cambodia was on the cover of every tabloid in every store I went in. As time went on, I guess her little i'm-better-than-you-cause-i'm-gonna-save-the-world thing got on my nerves more - and who can be annoyed by Maddox's cool mohawk haircut and adorable clothes?? I moved on. Now Meg Ryan is also adopting, and I wish her luck with that. As long as these people are caring for these children and giving them a chance for a more normal, healthy life with parental figures as their caretakers instead of social workers in some slummy institution, I say it's not that bad of a trend.

HOWEVER, those of us who haven't been in that cave or under a rock have heard by now about the Madonna adoption. There's been some awful controversy surrounding this and most people I hear discussing it can't seem to pinpoint what's so different and wrong about it, than, say, Angelina's adoptions.

Let's take a look at the three main characters that were covered as soon as the story broke: Madonna (obviously), little David from Malawi, and David's father.

Yeah, I said father.

THIS KID IS NOT AN ORPHAN!

The controversy really started when David's father expressed his concerns and regrets about his son being taken to live in another country, which opened the floodgates of investigation into whether Madonna used her money and fame to speed up the adoption process and get past some policies and prerequisites.While David's father wanted a life for David that he could not provide him, he wanted to be sure David would be well taken care of. He didn't understand that Madonna was going to keep his son, either. Why should he have? After all, why would she try to adopt a child who already has parents?


i'll taaaake...that one!
Madonna, the self-proclaimed Material Girl, has money coming out of her ass, let's just face it. If she really cared about David, she could and hopefully would have donated money to David's family and hell, why not even his village? so that they could begin to live a better, healthier life. David HAS a family and just because his father can't afford to care for him the way she presumably can doesn't mean she has the right to buy him up. If you have any leftover reservations about Madonna's intentions, let's take a look at what she did as soon as David was in her custody:
she put him in the care of babysitters, I believe I read, because she was out of the country.

Sounds like she's real eager to get to know her new son. {/sarcasm}

Actually, it sounds like Madonna's about to get away with some modern-day slavery.

A word to the wise: Madonna, I know moving to England probably made your memory of US history a little fuzzy but try to remember - slavery was abolished in 1865. In case your math is fuzzy, too, that means slavery (and the buying and selling of humans) is soooo 141 years ago.

When I Was 5, It Was A Very Good Year

The world was so much nicer when I was 5. My days were filled with fingerpainting, naps and Mr. Rogers. My days are so much different now. I no longer have the time for fingerpainting. It's a shame though because I was the Jackson Pollock of the kindegarten set. Of course, when you think about it, weren't we all?

I wasn't an energetic or hyperactive kid. My brain produced its own generic version of Ritalin so there was no need to keep me medicated like the kids of today. All it took to keep me entertained was some good music. If someone put on a good album, I would keep on dancing until the music stopped (and I made sure it never did).

My taste hasn't changed much since that time. With that in mind let me share three of those tunes that kept me happy in the early 1980's.

1. Another One Bites The Dust - Queen

In my hometown there was a little greasy spoon that was noted for its Chili Dogs. There wasn't a week that my mom didn't walk me and my sister down to it to get a quick and cheap lunch. The dogs were great but what I remember more is the jukebox that was in the back. For a quarter you could pick a few tunes to play while you dined (and I use the term "dined" rather loosely). Anytime I had enough change to go back to it there was one tune that I always picked. It was "Another One Bites The Dust". There was just something about that funky bass line that grabbed my little ears everytime I heard it. I didn't know what the lyrics were about and I really didn't care. It just made me want to dance and dance I always did. Now 26 years later it still has the same effect on me. There aren't too many songs I can say that about.

2. The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

In the early 1980's Kenny Rogers was the epitome of country pop. It didn't matter what a station's format was they somehow found a way to fit him in. His presence was inescapable. There was one song in particuliar that rose head and shoulders above any of his other hits . That song being "The Gambler". I loved it. I couldn't get enough of it. My mom had a copy of it on some long since forgotten vinyl album. I would always take the album out and drop the needle right on the start of that track. I knew it was about some sort of card game. In my head I imagined the toughest game of "Old Maid" I had ever played. Yeah, I could definitely relate to what he was saying "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em". I was certain he had experienced that same frustration of never being able to get rid of that damn card.

3." I Love A Rainy Night" - The Chipmunks

This song is great. At the time I didn't know the Eddie Rabbit original. No, I was addicted to a cover version done by one of the greatest rodent singing groups of all time. I guess there was a fad at the time of city folk getting into country music. There was even a horrible John Travolta movie by the name of "Urban Cowboy" that fanned the flames of this phenomena even more. David Seville wasn't one to let a good thing pass him by so he let Alvin, Simon and Theodore out of their cages long enough to quickly record an album covering the country hits of the day. My favorite by far was their version of "I Love A Rainy Night". Any time the night air was damp I would play this song. Sometimes I would do it even when the air was dry.

Those were my favorites at 5, what were some of yours?