We Grew Up So Quickly ...

I went through adolescence perfectly in balance with the come-back of boy-bands and pop princesses. Smack dab in the middle of my teenage years, *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Britney and Christina were monopolizing the tops of the charts and drowning us in pin-ups and $3.99 posters. And we couldn't get enough of it. When adults tsk-tsk'd us, insisting we were wasting our time, that these flash-in-the-pans wouldn't be so glitter and glamour in just a few years, we were sure they were bitter about being so old, they didn't know what they were talking about. A couple of the New Kids on the Block had come back, and our favorites would too once their initial 15 minutes was up. We were just so sure.

Well ... what can I say? I guess I have to finally accept that I'm no longer a teenager and I was *gulp* wrong. BUT. I refuse to sound like one of those adults that tried to make me look stupid for buying BOP magazine religiously. So I will (very fairly) portray the befores and afters of the pop princesses I secretly wanted to be roomies with on the road during my own tour. (Tragically, my own musical career never took off. I forgot to start it.)

Jessica Simpson

Jess was initially that cheeky yet innocent southern girl who always went to church and, most famously, was saving her virginity for marriage. Much to the absolute joy of the pop world, that marriage came about (all too quickly, perhaps?) when she got with Nick Lachey of the 2nd rate boy band 98 Degrees.

Where is she now?

WELL. I don't think I need to write an article just about Jess and Nick's wildly ineffective reality MTV show (which probably played a main role in wrecking their marriage). With a recently finalized divorce behind her, fans can still find Jessica backing her unrecognizable sister as she flubs her lip synchs and physically morphs into Barbie. Jess is harder to find nowadays because her hair color keeps changing, along with her lips.

She's rumored to be dating soft-rocker John Mayer and trying to avoid her ex, Lachey, who seems to revel in flaunting his newly serious romance with beauty Vanessa Minillo. Jess is actually doing well in regards to her career. Her songs do well and her acting career is gaining some kind of momentum among people that like to look at her and tend to forget she's speaking. (see: "Dukes of Hazzard")

Christina Aguilera

If there was ever a late 90's popstar that earned her money, it was Christina. An early grammy winner for her first album, "Christina Aguilera" in 2000, she went through some phases along with her music, which summoned comparisons to the ever-evolving Madonna. After her first major wave of successes which arguably put her at the top of the pop-princess gene pool, Christina became more hispanic. Suddenly, her name was "Chree-stina Ah-gee-lera" and not long after, her single "Dirty" came out. Along with a spread in Maxim magazine. Millions of boys across the world went through puberty that month.

Where is she now?

Nowadays Christina is cleaned up and married, actually. So basically, she's an anomaly of the pop washout stereotype. She recently released a new album titled "Back to Basics", which is subtly appropriate, as is it her first major release and an implied attempt at convincing the fans she lost during her "Dirty" phase that she didn't lose any talent in that cold, cold water. (Or in the mud she was wrestling in for the video to the title track of that album). On the new album, she tries out contemporary lyrics with old-school styles of singing and so far has only generated hits - and fans. Myself included.

Britney Spears

Before I even begin, let us have a moment of silence in, well, non-honor of how we all made a big deal out of Britney's first video - how we actually thought she was somehow being risque by dancing around in half a schoolgirl uniform, inspiring a new genre of child porn. Alas, had we only known...

Britney Spears ... what can we say? I don't have the physical endurance to type out every phase Britney has been through since she debuted in the late 90's as the queen of TRL and the object of death threats for every girl that was convinced she would beat out Britney to marry Justin Timberlake of NSYNC. From my own viewpoint, I think I can safely say that each time Britney released a new album, she forgot one way to take care of herself. At first, it was sexy. The hair got messier - bedroom hair. The clothes became less - obviously a sexual revolution as the girl comes of age. But then people started noticing something - a disturbing trend that would come to haunt - absolutely haunt - the indifferent and the diehard fans alike: she started to really suck. I don't even mean that in a Paris Hilton way, I mean her music started to really take a turn. Instead of generating hit after hit, she came out with a bunch of hits and misses.

Then she got married. For like, a day. That's when people started to realize she wasn't ... quite ... all there. Maybe that breakup with Justin was more harsh than we thought? Oh god, but then she got married AGAIN. And she turned into this:

And if you still believed that once her marriage to the always-classy rapper wannabe Kevin Federline calmed down (and the baby was born healthy, thank God), she would clean up. Um, yeah. There was another baby. And a breakup. And within the last week, after repeated begs and interventions from ex boyfriend Justin Timberlake, as well as family and estranged husband Kevin aka K-fed, three different stints in rehab. Oh, yeah, and she shaved her head.
Somehow I don't think she's trying out for a role in a film about nazis.

Instead of being like everyone else and comparing her to ET or Verne Troyer, I'll just say that I hope for three things: I hope her hair grows quickly, I hope she gets better in rehab, and I hope someone with a good PR person befriends her - soon. (Christina, you busy next Thursday?)